Sink surgery and the disappearing video game

I swear, one of these days I'm going to write a handbook for children warning them of the things not to try, because someone already has and it didn't work. A been there, done that sort of thing. Or maybe I should have my fifth grader write the book. He's been doing his best to research what will and won't get him caught. *g* He's compiled a decent list already: 1. Do not shove wads of toilet paper down the bathroom sink. And if you do, do not, under any circumstances, try to get the soggy toilet paper out with a wooden skewer. That'll get stuck down there too. 2. If you get caught playing your handheld video game after you've had your game priviledges taken away, don't shove the video game under your bed and pretend you didn't have it. And after your mother has seen it under your bed, don't cover it with a pile of dirty laundry and pretend you can't find it. In most cases, your mother is not senile. She's already seen the game. She's not going to forget she saw it in the span of five seconds. 3. The dog's collar will stay on just fine all by itself. That's what the buckle is for. School glue just makes the dog's neck itch. 4. If you make the mistake of not turning in your parent-checked, completed homework, don't bring it home and hide inside the rarely-used lobster boiling pot. Your mother will eventually find it, even if it is a year later, and make you bring it in to your former teacher. 5. Book reports are part of life, and will be for many years to come. Skipping them helps no one, and, in fact, brings your grade point average way down. If you've forgotten to read your book and the report is due, don't lie to your mother when she asks you if you read the book. This question is often followed up with "What book did you read?" or "What was your book about?". Lying through this one requires some really quick thinking, but your mother will probably know you're lying anyway. 6. Brush your teeth when you're told to. There's nothing to be gained from skipping it, unless you want dentures by high school. 7. (This one is especially for children of writers, editors, agents, and publishers) Don't try to pass off a three sentence paper as a one page essay. Your parent will notice the fact that you've skipped lines, written in huge letters, and moved your margins in. Your parent will also noticed that you didn't proofread, drew lines between your words instead of spacing them correctly, and wrote in one big paragraph. They will make you redo said essay, wasting time for both of you.